Worth Repeating
It won’t be a surprise to learn that there are questions and topics that regularly come up in conversations I have with parishioners. They are important questions and, as the title suggests, are worth repeating. I hope you’ll find this series helpful as we all seek to become better disciples of Christ. Fr. Kevin
The Gap
If you struggle with impatience or frustration, you might not think there is much you can do to improve. For many, “that’s just the way I am” or “I’ve struggled with this all my life” expresses their feelings and the conclusion that there is no way to improve. Perhaps the following will help.
It is perfectly natural for us to have expectations for how others act. If a friend agrees to meet you for lunch at 12:30pm, it is certainly understandable that you’d expect them to meet you around that time. If you ask a son or daughter to do household chores, you will certainly expect them to complete it.
Sadly, as you well know, people do not live up to our expectations. Your friend shows up at 12:45. Your child fails to do the household chores. Drivers speed or cut you off. When things like this happen, a gap is created between what we expect and the reality of the situation. This gap is the problem. It is what leads to our impatience and frustration.
For the most part, we can’t prevent a gap from being created. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) scripture tells us. The challenge is to find some way of dealing with that gap.
We can begin by honestly asking if our expectation is reasonable. The question may allow us to see that we’ve set unreasonable expectations for the person and situation. A parent who demands high grades from a child who is not, in fact, capable of making those grades is setting an unrealistic expectation. Someone caring for an elderly parent or spouse won’t want to set expectations based on the person’s mental and physicals abilities from 20 years earlier.
When we reset our expectations to a reasonable place, we will make the gap between them and reality smaller and that, in turn, will make it easier to handle.
But even if you reset your expectations, a gap may remain. What can we do?
Often, we “fill” the gap with the worst possible explanation. “She’s always late. She never respects my time.” “The driver who cut me off is a horrible person.” “They only think of themselves.”
What if we intentionally filled the gap with a positive explanation? “Traffic is bad today and she may have gotten caught up at work before leaving.” “Maybe that guy just didn’t see my car. Maybe it was an honest mistake.” “I wonder if they have something else on their mind.”
This strategy is a great way to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). We want others to give us the benefit of the doubt. Filling the gap with a positive explanation is a great way to do this for others and you’ll be assuming the best about the other person. Rather than looking for and focusing on the bad, filling the gap with an optimistic explanation will keep you in a more positive mindset. That’s good for you.
This may not be easy to do at first. If you’ve spent years assuming the worst when someone disappoints you, it will be difficult to suddenly switch to a positive outlook. The struggle, however, will be worth it. Pray often for God’s Spirit to assist you and continue to bring your failures to the sacrament of reconciliation. Over time, you’ll get better, and God will bless your efforts.
